I have to go way back into the past in order to explain my present state of mind.
When William, my 11 year old, was born I really had no idea how to take care of a baby. My theory for my ignorance is that I was an only child and never had younger siblings to help out with. I guess though if I had been the younger sibling I would still have the same excuse. Also, I didn't LIKE children and therefore never really babysat. Whatever the case may be, within a week of bringing my beautiful baby home I was stricken with the conflicting emotions of indescribable, heart-wrenching love and unfathomable, gut-wrenching resentment. I guess this is what the male medical professionals of the '40s would refer to as "baby blues". For me, the combination led to self-loathing. Constantly doubting myself and my abilities for how could I have so much love for my child and at the same time feel as though I needed to separate myself from him. The fact that he nursed every 2 hours 24/7 for the first 3 months didn't help either! He literally sucked all logic from my sleep deprived brain! Plus, get this, I didn't realize babies needed naps! That's right! I had no idea why my child was so cranky! He, like his mother, was sleep deprived. He just wasn't one of those babies that would fall asleep easily no matter how tired he was. He needed to bounced and rocked and nursed and patted and burped before he would even consider going to sleep. We were a mess! And my poor husband! He never heard the end of it! How lucky he was to go off to work every day! And how nice it must be to sleep at night! And how dare he wear a smile on his face feigning happiness when walking through the door at night! He couldn't catch a break. So guess what we (I in my delirium) decided to do? Have another baby of course! Let's just add some fuel to that out-of-control masochistic fire why don't we?! So by the time William was turning a year I was already 4 months pregnant again!
I tell you this: It was HARD! For me it was HARD! Maybe some of you are more natural at being a mommy or have more patience or a better understanding of babies. I have no doubt that I have tendencies to give in to self indulgent behavior and can drown in my own self pity. I don't deny it! But when I look back on those days I miss them! Not the harried crazy mom I've just described but the mom who got to lay with her boys at 1:00 in the afternoon and read a story. Or the mom who got to pile her boys in the double wide stroller and walk around the lake talking about birds and fish and leaves and grass and the changing seasons. I miss the days when watermelon was a new adventure. As HARD as it was, it was really sweet and simple and I wish I hadn't spent so much time being irritated and angry.
Ok, so that's what I'm trying to do now. Remember that when I look back I wish I could have been a better mom. More upbeat and happier and fun. Because here I am going through phase II of the baby blues. My 11year old (the one who sucked the logic out of me) likes girls! He's started going out with his friends of Friday nights to 6th grade dances and he wants to trick-or-treat with his buddies this year instead of his family! The child I felt I needed separation from as a baby I'm now trying to keep by my side for just a little longer. My 10 year old, my baby, is showing signs a hormonal influx. Acting moody and tired. Crabby and hungry. AND he has B.O. which he's so proud of he has everyone smelling his arm pits! Now they both stink!
And i'm trying to tell myself, "love it, love it, love it!" so that I don't look back and wish I had done things differently. The new adventure is starting and I want to embrace it. Birds and watermelon are old news. Now we have to talk about girls, deodorant, music, and believe it or not boners! Sex and drugs and drinking are coming at an astonishing rate!
My husband is totally good with this new phase. Thankfully he is always there to set me straight or to pick up where I drop off in a selfish state of "why me?"
Wish me luck my friends. My new mantra, "love it, love it, love it" plays over and over in my mind. It's not awful yet! They're not even teenagers.......
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