So if you've read any of my previous blogs, you might guess that the
following list may go a little against the traditional grain. I have
never seen Miracle On 34th Street or It's A Wonderful Life. Truthfully, I don't care to. Here are the 5 movies that really light up my tree during the holidays!
1. A Christmas Story
: This is my all time favorite! The time period, the camaraderie of the
kids, the parents, and the mid west. I guess it makes me think of my
dad.
2. The Ref : This movie has an amazing cast!
Kevin Spacey, Denis Leary, and Judy Davis. Denis Leary is crazy funny
and, as always, the message is not lost.
3. Home for the Holidays
: Another amazing cast. Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr., Claire Danes,
Charles Durning, Ann Bancroft, Dylan McDermott, and Geraldine Chaplin as
the crazy aunt. You can't go wrong when Holly Hunter, upon entering
her parents home, is greeted by the cat coughing up a fur ball!
4. Bad Santa : Billy Bob Thornton plays Santa. Need I say more?
5. Elf : I love Buddy but more than anything else I love Zooey DesChanel singing Baby It's Cold Outside in the shower!
There it is!
Cheers to creating new traditions!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
morning glory
My mornings of the last few years have been.......colorful. I have two boys in 5th and 6th grade. I have a husband (a saint) who works from home. I have a full house.
Every morning I get up. I make coffee. I make breakfast. Usually bagels with cream cheese or peanut butter and honey or eggs and potatoes, and sometimes pancakes or waffles. I make lunch. Always a sandwich, some chips, apple slices and some kind of bar. All three of my boys can count on these things. Me? I can count on the fact that my boys will fight! I wake up ready to love, ready to put yesterday in the past, all smiles, and hugs and kisses. My boys wake up wanting a fight! With me. With their dad. But most of all with each other!!!!
They usually come downstairs individually. First it's Nick (our youngest), then William (our 11 year old), then Chris (the biggest most lovable baby ever!).
As soon as the two youngest are within punching/hearing range of each other the blows/insults fly!
"Shut up, IDIOT!"
"You shut up, STUPID!"
"Holy crap! You're so lame!" hahahahahaha "You're such an idiot!"
"nu uh! You are! A-whipe!"
Then there's me: "No cussing boys!" Still trying to maintain my smile as I smile and flit around the kitchen like an ass-hole! La-la-la-la-la hmmmm-hmmm-hmmmm!
"I didn't cuss" says the little one. "I said A not ass!"
"hahahaha" says the eldest. "Yer such an idiot!"
"BOYS!" my volume is getting louder but I'm still flitting around the kitchen like a goddamn asshole! "llalalalalaallalala! dee dee dum dum dee!"
Next thing I hear is flesh hitting flesh. No words! Just the raw sound of hand-to-hand-combat!
My husband comes down, "Goooooooood morning boys! What's going on?"
By the look on my face he can only assume the worst. I look like I need to go back to bed already! Or maybe I just need a drink! Not a bad idea......
He pours us both some coffee and tries to engage the kids in a natural, how did you sleep way! I shoot him a look as if to say, "are you fucking kidding me? Who cares how they slept? They are awake and piss and vinegar runs through their veins!"
We (my husband and I) always try to handle these situations as calmly and diplomatically as possible. But much to my chagrin I always end up yelling (or screaming) which sets my husband off. Within the time span of an hour we are the epitome of chaos! Chaos! Chaos is my most diabolical nemesis!
Today was especially entertaining. My husband and I had a talk the night before. We know that yelling and arguing with our offspring is useless! Duh! They're 10 and 11! So our new approach is calm, cool, collectible!
All the bullshit started with me telling William that he could not get online until he was completely ready for school. He's so concerned with checking Facebook or Youtube! The rule is he has to be ready to leave for school before he can even THINK about getting on the computer. Long story short, I said "No" and he did it anyway. His brother took this as an opportunity to call him names and I said, "Enough!!!!" William lost the computer for the rest of the day and Nick lost video games for the rest of the day.
The best part......?????
William: "Nooooooo! I don't understand!!!! It's not fair!!!!!!" "ANYTHING but the computer!!!!!"
I gave him my sweetest smile and said, "You just confirmed that I gave you the BEST punishment ever!"
This is all before 8:30am peeeeeple! 8:30!!!!!
I drink wine almost every night! Don't judge me....
ADDENDUM:
William comes to me while I am helping Nick with homework this evening. He thinks shoulder massages and sweet little kisses upon my cheek will win my affections. He's right! I melt like butter in the desert!
"Mom? Do you think I could get computer back?"
I turn my sleepy eyes to focus on his big, blue inquiring eyes. I love those eyes. So sweet. So innocent. So my baby.
"No!" I practically belt it out.
"No, padawan! Good try, but I'm not Yoda on my looks alone!"
Every morning I get up. I make coffee. I make breakfast. Usually bagels with cream cheese or peanut butter and honey or eggs and potatoes, and sometimes pancakes or waffles. I make lunch. Always a sandwich, some chips, apple slices and some kind of bar. All three of my boys can count on these things. Me? I can count on the fact that my boys will fight! I wake up ready to love, ready to put yesterday in the past, all smiles, and hugs and kisses. My boys wake up wanting a fight! With me. With their dad. But most of all with each other!!!!
They usually come downstairs individually. First it's Nick (our youngest), then William (our 11 year old), then Chris (the biggest most lovable baby ever!).
As soon as the two youngest are within punching/hearing range of each other the blows/insults fly!
"Shut up, IDIOT!"
"You shut up, STUPID!"
"Holy crap! You're so lame!" hahahahahaha "You're such an idiot!"
"nu uh! You are! A-whipe!"
Then there's me: "No cussing boys!" Still trying to maintain my smile as I smile and flit around the kitchen like an ass-hole! La-la-la-la-la hmmmm-hmmm-hmmmm!
"I didn't cuss" says the little one. "I said A not ass!"
"hahahaha" says the eldest. "Yer such an idiot!"
"BOYS!" my volume is getting louder but I'm still flitting around the kitchen like a goddamn asshole! "llalalalalaallalala! dee dee dum dum dee!"
Next thing I hear is flesh hitting flesh. No words! Just the raw sound of hand-to-hand-combat!
My husband comes down, "Goooooooood morning boys! What's going on?"
By the look on my face he can only assume the worst. I look like I need to go back to bed already! Or maybe I just need a drink! Not a bad idea......
He pours us both some coffee and tries to engage the kids in a natural, how did you sleep way! I shoot him a look as if to say, "are you fucking kidding me? Who cares how they slept? They are awake and piss and vinegar runs through their veins!"
We (my husband and I) always try to handle these situations as calmly and diplomatically as possible. But much to my chagrin I always end up yelling (or screaming) which sets my husband off. Within the time span of an hour we are the epitome of chaos! Chaos! Chaos is my most diabolical nemesis!
Today was especially entertaining. My husband and I had a talk the night before. We know that yelling and arguing with our offspring is useless! Duh! They're 10 and 11! So our new approach is calm, cool, collectible!
All the bullshit started with me telling William that he could not get online until he was completely ready for school. He's so concerned with checking Facebook or Youtube! The rule is he has to be ready to leave for school before he can even THINK about getting on the computer. Long story short, I said "No" and he did it anyway. His brother took this as an opportunity to call him names and I said, "Enough!!!!" William lost the computer for the rest of the day and Nick lost video games for the rest of the day.
The best part......?????
William: "Nooooooo! I don't understand!!!! It's not fair!!!!!!" "ANYTHING but the computer!!!!!"
I gave him my sweetest smile and said, "You just confirmed that I gave you the BEST punishment ever!"
This is all before 8:30am peeeeeple! 8:30!!!!!
I drink wine almost every night! Don't judge me....
ADDENDUM:
William comes to me while I am helping Nick with homework this evening. He thinks shoulder massages and sweet little kisses upon my cheek will win my affections. He's right! I melt like butter in the desert!
"Mom? Do you think I could get computer back?"
I turn my sleepy eyes to focus on his big, blue inquiring eyes. I love those eyes. So sweet. So innocent. So my baby.
"No!" I practically belt it out.
"No, padawan! Good try, but I'm not Yoda on my looks alone!"
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Coming to terms
I was at the park yesterday with Chris (my husband), William (my 11 year old), and Nick (my 10 year old). Chris coaches the boys' flag football team and the three of them were going over plays. Laid out on the grass was the Mexican blanket I've had since I was in high school. My friend Michelle had bought it for me in Mexico when she did a mission trip there with her church. I don't know why I brought that up. Just another testament to my selfishness....I probably never asked her about her mission but I sure did want that blanket!
Anyway, it was really a beautiful day. I got to lay down and read my book while my guys did very....well.....GUY things! I was watching them in light of my Baby Blues Part II and thinking how different they are than me. How little I really know about men and boys and the way they think or react to circumstances or situations.
Here's some food for thought: I know my children but I don't know my boys.
I have that maternal instinct. I know if they're sick or just struggling with allergies. I know when they're tired. I know if they're acting squirmy because they have to pee and I know when they're tummy sticks out just so they have to poop. They hate it! I am always able to call them out on these things that they would rather ignore or deny.
*side note: my 11 year old is reading as I type. He just laughed at the last paragraph and said, "that's true!"
What I don't know is how boys deal with girls or other boys for that matter. Testosterone is not the hormone I have a whole lot of experience with. I realized at that moment, that it's ok. I guess I was able to put one of the hands I was trying to smother them with to my side and let things happen naturally. Relinquishing control is also not something I have a whole lot of experience with! The control hormone runs thick in my blood and any slight upset puts me in panic mode. Chaos is the devil, I'm no angel, fight on!
Bottom line: I'm trying, I'm admitting, I'm confessing, I'm honest. I just hope that's enough!
Anyway, it was really a beautiful day. I got to lay down and read my book while my guys did very....well.....GUY things! I was watching them in light of my Baby Blues Part II and thinking how different they are than me. How little I really know about men and boys and the way they think or react to circumstances or situations.
Here's some food for thought: I know my children but I don't know my boys.
I have that maternal instinct. I know if they're sick or just struggling with allergies. I know when they're tired. I know if they're acting squirmy because they have to pee and I know when they're tummy sticks out just so they have to poop. They hate it! I am always able to call them out on these things that they would rather ignore or deny.
*side note: my 11 year old is reading as I type. He just laughed at the last paragraph and said, "that's true!"
What I don't know is how boys deal with girls or other boys for that matter. Testosterone is not the hormone I have a whole lot of experience with. I realized at that moment, that it's ok. I guess I was able to put one of the hands I was trying to smother them with to my side and let things happen naturally. Relinquishing control is also not something I have a whole lot of experience with! The control hormone runs thick in my blood and any slight upset puts me in panic mode. Chaos is the devil, I'm no angel, fight on!
Bottom line: I'm trying, I'm admitting, I'm confessing, I'm honest. I just hope that's enough!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Baby Blues Take II
I have to go way back into the past in order to explain my present state of mind.
When William, my 11 year old, was born I really had no idea how to take care of a baby. My theory for my ignorance is that I was an only child and never had younger siblings to help out with. I guess though if I had been the younger sibling I would still have the same excuse. Also, I didn't LIKE children and therefore never really babysat. Whatever the case may be, within a week of bringing my beautiful baby home I was stricken with the conflicting emotions of indescribable, heart-wrenching love and unfathomable, gut-wrenching resentment. I guess this is what the male medical professionals of the '40s would refer to as "baby blues". For me, the combination led to self-loathing. Constantly doubting myself and my abilities for how could I have so much love for my child and at the same time feel as though I needed to separate myself from him. The fact that he nursed every 2 hours 24/7 for the first 3 months didn't help either! He literally sucked all logic from my sleep deprived brain! Plus, get this, I didn't realize babies needed naps! That's right! I had no idea why my child was so cranky! He, like his mother, was sleep deprived. He just wasn't one of those babies that would fall asleep easily no matter how tired he was. He needed to bounced and rocked and nursed and patted and burped before he would even consider going to sleep. We were a mess! And my poor husband! He never heard the end of it! How lucky he was to go off to work every day! And how nice it must be to sleep at night! And how dare he wear a smile on his face feigning happiness when walking through the door at night! He couldn't catch a break. So guess what we (I in my delirium) decided to do? Have another baby of course! Let's just add some fuel to that out-of-control masochistic fire why don't we?! So by the time William was turning a year I was already 4 months pregnant again!
I tell you this: It was HARD! For me it was HARD! Maybe some of you are more natural at being a mommy or have more patience or a better understanding of babies. I have no doubt that I have tendencies to give in to self indulgent behavior and can drown in my own self pity. I don't deny it! But when I look back on those days I miss them! Not the harried crazy mom I've just described but the mom who got to lay with her boys at 1:00 in the afternoon and read a story. Or the mom who got to pile her boys in the double wide stroller and walk around the lake talking about birds and fish and leaves and grass and the changing seasons. I miss the days when watermelon was a new adventure. As HARD as it was, it was really sweet and simple and I wish I hadn't spent so much time being irritated and angry.
Ok, so that's what I'm trying to do now. Remember that when I look back I wish I could have been a better mom. More upbeat and happier and fun. Because here I am going through phase II of the baby blues. My 11year old (the one who sucked the logic out of me) likes girls! He's started going out with his friends of Friday nights to 6th grade dances and he wants to trick-or-treat with his buddies this year instead of his family! The child I felt I needed separation from as a baby I'm now trying to keep by my side for just a little longer. My 10 year old, my baby, is showing signs a hormonal influx. Acting moody and tired. Crabby and hungry. AND he has B.O. which he's so proud of he has everyone smelling his arm pits! Now they both stink!
And i'm trying to tell myself, "love it, love it, love it!" so that I don't look back and wish I had done things differently. The new adventure is starting and I want to embrace it. Birds and watermelon are old news. Now we have to talk about girls, deodorant, music, and believe it or not boners! Sex and drugs and drinking are coming at an astonishing rate!
My husband is totally good with this new phase. Thankfully he is always there to set me straight or to pick up where I drop off in a selfish state of "why me?"
Wish me luck my friends. My new mantra, "love it, love it, love it" plays over and over in my mind. It's not awful yet! They're not even teenagers.......
When William, my 11 year old, was born I really had no idea how to take care of a baby. My theory for my ignorance is that I was an only child and never had younger siblings to help out with. I guess though if I had been the younger sibling I would still have the same excuse. Also, I didn't LIKE children and therefore never really babysat. Whatever the case may be, within a week of bringing my beautiful baby home I was stricken with the conflicting emotions of indescribable, heart-wrenching love and unfathomable, gut-wrenching resentment. I guess this is what the male medical professionals of the '40s would refer to as "baby blues". For me, the combination led to self-loathing. Constantly doubting myself and my abilities for how could I have so much love for my child and at the same time feel as though I needed to separate myself from him. The fact that he nursed every 2 hours 24/7 for the first 3 months didn't help either! He literally sucked all logic from my sleep deprived brain! Plus, get this, I didn't realize babies needed naps! That's right! I had no idea why my child was so cranky! He, like his mother, was sleep deprived. He just wasn't one of those babies that would fall asleep easily no matter how tired he was. He needed to bounced and rocked and nursed and patted and burped before he would even consider going to sleep. We were a mess! And my poor husband! He never heard the end of it! How lucky he was to go off to work every day! And how nice it must be to sleep at night! And how dare he wear a smile on his face feigning happiness when walking through the door at night! He couldn't catch a break. So guess what we (I in my delirium) decided to do? Have another baby of course! Let's just add some fuel to that out-of-control masochistic fire why don't we?! So by the time William was turning a year I was already 4 months pregnant again!
I tell you this: It was HARD! For me it was HARD! Maybe some of you are more natural at being a mommy or have more patience or a better understanding of babies. I have no doubt that I have tendencies to give in to self indulgent behavior and can drown in my own self pity. I don't deny it! But when I look back on those days I miss them! Not the harried crazy mom I've just described but the mom who got to lay with her boys at 1:00 in the afternoon and read a story. Or the mom who got to pile her boys in the double wide stroller and walk around the lake talking about birds and fish and leaves and grass and the changing seasons. I miss the days when watermelon was a new adventure. As HARD as it was, it was really sweet and simple and I wish I hadn't spent so much time being irritated and angry.
Ok, so that's what I'm trying to do now. Remember that when I look back I wish I could have been a better mom. More upbeat and happier and fun. Because here I am going through phase II of the baby blues. My 11year old (the one who sucked the logic out of me) likes girls! He's started going out with his friends of Friday nights to 6th grade dances and he wants to trick-or-treat with his buddies this year instead of his family! The child I felt I needed separation from as a baby I'm now trying to keep by my side for just a little longer. My 10 year old, my baby, is showing signs a hormonal influx. Acting moody and tired. Crabby and hungry. AND he has B.O. which he's so proud of he has everyone smelling his arm pits! Now they both stink!
And i'm trying to tell myself, "love it, love it, love it!" so that I don't look back and wish I had done things differently. The new adventure is starting and I want to embrace it. Birds and watermelon are old news. Now we have to talk about girls, deodorant, music, and believe it or not boners! Sex and drugs and drinking are coming at an astonishing rate!
My husband is totally good with this new phase. Thankfully he is always there to set me straight or to pick up where I drop off in a selfish state of "why me?"
Wish me luck my friends. My new mantra, "love it, love it, love it" plays over and over in my mind. It's not awful yet! They're not even teenagers.......
Friday, September 30, 2011
Ahhhhhhtumn
The changing of seasons is always exciting. A season lasts just long enough so that I never tire of it, just simply wave goodbye til next time. Now, as a native Californian, seasons don't show themselves in their fullest potential like they do in other parts of the United States so I rely more on the feelings or emotions or events of a particular season to get me excited about it.
Autumn is my favorite! There's something about this time of year that makes me feel like I just got home after the carefree adventures of summer. Maybe it's the rich colors of the season. The golds, browns, and reds produce a deep warmth while on the surface the air is cool and crisp.
NOT! Are you freakin kidding me with this heat!!!! Seriously? I am so done with being hot and sweaty I could scream! Summer has way worn out it's welcome and the autumn I so fondly speak of is way over due. Where the hell are you?
So in my effort to WILL autumn out of hiding I'm baking hot pancakes in the morning and chicken pot pies at night! I'm running the air, shutting the blinds, and bundling up in my cozies in staunch protest of this lingering summer/lazy fall. I'm ready to wear my sweaters, scarves, and dammit! I need an excuse to buy a new pair of boots!
The truth is: after a gluttonous summer I really need to hide my body with bulky-but-cute clothes. That is why the cold months follow the hot ones! That's why nature is a woman. She understands that summer is all about chips, salsa, and margaritas. She's just letting me down a little right now....
At any rate (in this case slow) I do look forward to all the things this coming season has to offer. Halloween and Thanksgiving. Family, friends, and cozy dinners. Time in the kitchen and sitting by the fire. Football! If I have to I'll keep the air running and the blinds closed and create my own personal autumn.
Autumn is my favorite! There's something about this time of year that makes me feel like I just got home after the carefree adventures of summer. Maybe it's the rich colors of the season. The golds, browns, and reds produce a deep warmth while on the surface the air is cool and crisp.
NOT! Are you freakin kidding me with this heat!!!! Seriously? I am so done with being hot and sweaty I could scream! Summer has way worn out it's welcome and the autumn I so fondly speak of is way over due. Where the hell are you?
So in my effort to WILL autumn out of hiding I'm baking hot pancakes in the morning and chicken pot pies at night! I'm running the air, shutting the blinds, and bundling up in my cozies in staunch protest of this lingering summer/lazy fall. I'm ready to wear my sweaters, scarves, and dammit! I need an excuse to buy a new pair of boots!
The truth is: after a gluttonous summer I really need to hide my body with bulky-but-cute clothes. That is why the cold months follow the hot ones! That's why nature is a woman. She understands that summer is all about chips, salsa, and margaritas. She's just letting me down a little right now....
At any rate (in this case slow) I do look forward to all the things this coming season has to offer. Halloween and Thanksgiving. Family, friends, and cozy dinners. Time in the kitchen and sitting by the fire. Football! If I have to I'll keep the air running and the blinds closed and create my own personal autumn.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Another Summer Gone
It's that bittersweet time of year again. Those conflicting emotions of excitement and letdown, the anticipation of things to come and the dread of having to change our routine, new starts vs old habits, and the worst: holding on while wanting to let go. I know it sounds dramatic and maybe a little over thought but today (this whole week actually) has been a big boiling pot of emotion. My babies are going back to school tomorrow! I'm not ready to have 5th and 6th graders! I'm not ready to start my day earlier than 8am! I don't want bedtimes and homework and projects! I don't want to shell out endless amounts of money for yearbook and PTA and supplies and, horror of all horrors, Science Camp! I don't want to give up the beach and the pool and wandering through the day with countless hours ahead of us to do whatever we please!
Wait a minute! Who's summer am I remembering? Jesus! It sounds like something out of a Jane Austen book! You'd think I had a summer house along the shore full of servants and nannies! Our summer was nowhere near being so footloose and fancy free! It's not even over yet and my memory is already so skewed in the face of what's to come!
On the flip side I'm longing to get back into a routine. To have structure and discipline. I need to get down to some serious work as well. I've been letting my job take a back seat for the past 2 months and I'm ready to make it a priority again. It's nice to relax and allow yourself to be lazy once in a while. But 2 months? Rather than a luxury it becomes a bit gluttonous and turns a reward for a job well done into slovenly dysfunction.
So that's what we're wrapping up folks! Slovenly dysfunction! I just totally talked myself down! Or wrote myself down. My boiling pot of emotion has become a simmering pot with the balanced aroma of sweet memories and savory new beginnings. And don't think for a minute that I'm oblivious to the amount of cheese in this recipe.....
Wait a minute! Who's summer am I remembering? Jesus! It sounds like something out of a Jane Austen book! You'd think I had a summer house along the shore full of servants and nannies! Our summer was nowhere near being so footloose and fancy free! It's not even over yet and my memory is already so skewed in the face of what's to come!
On the flip side I'm longing to get back into a routine. To have structure and discipline. I need to get down to some serious work as well. I've been letting my job take a back seat for the past 2 months and I'm ready to make it a priority again. It's nice to relax and allow yourself to be lazy once in a while. But 2 months? Rather than a luxury it becomes a bit gluttonous and turns a reward for a job well done into slovenly dysfunction.
So that's what we're wrapping up folks! Slovenly dysfunction! I just totally talked myself down! Or wrote myself down. My boiling pot of emotion has become a simmering pot with the balanced aroma of sweet memories and savory new beginnings. And don't think for a minute that I'm oblivious to the amount of cheese in this recipe.....
Friday, July 22, 2011
Child Labor? Not all it's cracked up to be!
You know how they say you should never do business with family or friends? Well children should be added to that list! As a real estate agent I have what is called a "farm". This means I have a selected neighborhood that I market to. I pass out flyers with market information sprinkled with flyers that have pertinent community information (i.e. community events, resources, etc.) In order to get my flyers out I have to walk my farm and hand deliver each flyer to each doorstep. Primarily because I'm on a budget, most importantly because I want to have a presence in the neighborhood and have a chance to talk with the people who live there. Basically, I am trying to establish myself as someone you would want to do business with!
STAY WITH ME! I SWEAR THIS GETS MORE ENTERTAINING!
Now keep in mind it's summer! It's hotter than blazes and walking my farm is currently the most unappealing part of my job! However, I believe in consistency and know I need to power through. BUT!!!! What if I have a helper? Or two helpers? Cheap labor? Hmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!! The BOYS! My boys! My 10 and 11 year old! Offer up $5 and a smoothie and I've got 'em! It IS summer and really....what else are they going to do?
So I try to make it sound like it's going to be SOOOOO fun! I put on my most excited expression. The one I get when I have a little treat for them when they weren't expecting it.
"Hey guys! Wanna earn some money?"
I have approached them lazing on the couch. This is a very deceptive state of relaxation. It's like approaching a sleeping lion. They look cute and cuddly and harmless until you threaten that state of calm and they attack! I know I must continue cautiously....
"Boys? You want to earn some money WHILE riding your bikes?"
The boys respond like that lion who can't believe you've just interrupted his midday slumber. Slowly they peal their eyes away from the TV to acknowledge me. When they turn to look at me I am smiling with my eyebrows raised. Its too desperate and obvious and they are going to toy with me. It's cat and mouse time!
"UUuuummmmm.......ok" The enthusiasm from my 11 year old leaves much to be desired.
He continues to look at me. This is the equivalent act of the cat sniffing out the mouses fear! "What do we have to do?"
"Well you can help me deliver flyers to my farm and earn $5 each!"
I don't even mention the smoothie. If $5 is enough to get them off the couch I don't want to commit to any more than that! The whole purpose of walking the farm is to SAVE money! Not spend it!
They perk up. Their ears (if they were that cat I keep referring to) are now pointed straight up and I have their full attention! Just as I think I've got 'em my body language betrays me! My shoulders relax and my face holds less tension. They attack!!!
"$10!" yells the oldest
"and a soda!" chimes in my 10 year old
The negotiations have begun....
"$5 and a smoothie! If that's not good enough you still have do it but you'll get NOTHING for it!"
For you see, I am NOT a mouse! Those cats thought they heard some rustling around in the bushes only to discover a rattlesnake!
Needless to say, they have since been fired. Oh, sure the first few times were glorious! They were so good and helpful! Racing from house to house asking homeowners doing yard work if they'd like a 4th of July event flyer. I'd stand back and watch with pride exchanging that knowing look with said homeowner. "Aren't they cute?" is what we both seemed to be thinking. I would often get that "You've got some good helpers here!" comment that sent me into motherly bliss!
Then reality settled in!
"I'M HOT!"
"I'M THIRSTY!"
"I'M TIRED!"
"THIS SUCKS! CAN WE GO HOME AND YOU FINISH?'
"I know it's hot, I know you're thirsty and yes, it SUCKS! But your going to help me finish this up or your not getting a dime!!!! Now get your little butts off the sidewalk and out of the shade and get MOVING!" Psycho mom was now in charge!
However, the straw that broke the camels back was when, as we were out sweating our butts off delivering yet more flyers, my boys started fighting over which house they were going to do. Calling each other moron and idiot! The topper? My 10 year old, my baby, riding his bike out into the street only to realize a car was coming (from a safe distance) causing him enough fear to yell "Oh SHIT!"
Gone! Gone are the glory days of looking on at my offspring working hard for a buck! I stood there in horror! Forget the car! It wasn't even close to him nor did it ever get close to him having turned before getting near him. But I now realized that maybe the ones you love the most and who know you best might NOT be the best representatives for you.
The boys don't work for me anymore and I'm perfectly fine walking my farm alone for a couple quiet hours.
STAY WITH ME! I SWEAR THIS GETS MORE ENTERTAINING!
Now keep in mind it's summer! It's hotter than blazes and walking my farm is currently the most unappealing part of my job! However, I believe in consistency and know I need to power through. BUT!!!! What if I have a helper? Or two helpers? Cheap labor? Hmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!! The BOYS! My boys! My 10 and 11 year old! Offer up $5 and a smoothie and I've got 'em! It IS summer and really....what else are they going to do?
So I try to make it sound like it's going to be SOOOOO fun! I put on my most excited expression. The one I get when I have a little treat for them when they weren't expecting it.
"Hey guys! Wanna earn some money?"
I have approached them lazing on the couch. This is a very deceptive state of relaxation. It's like approaching a sleeping lion. They look cute and cuddly and harmless until you threaten that state of calm and they attack! I know I must continue cautiously....
"Boys? You want to earn some money WHILE riding your bikes?"
The boys respond like that lion who can't believe you've just interrupted his midday slumber. Slowly they peal their eyes away from the TV to acknowledge me. When they turn to look at me I am smiling with my eyebrows raised. Its too desperate and obvious and they are going to toy with me. It's cat and mouse time!
"UUuuummmmm.......ok" The enthusiasm from my 11 year old leaves much to be desired.
He continues to look at me. This is the equivalent act of the cat sniffing out the mouses fear! "What do we have to do?"
"Well you can help me deliver flyers to my farm and earn $5 each!"
I don't even mention the smoothie. If $5 is enough to get them off the couch I don't want to commit to any more than that! The whole purpose of walking the farm is to SAVE money! Not spend it!
They perk up. Their ears (if they were that cat I keep referring to) are now pointed straight up and I have their full attention! Just as I think I've got 'em my body language betrays me! My shoulders relax and my face holds less tension. They attack!!!
"$10!" yells the oldest
"and a soda!" chimes in my 10 year old
The negotiations have begun....
"$5 and a smoothie! If that's not good enough you still have do it but you'll get NOTHING for it!"
For you see, I am NOT a mouse! Those cats thought they heard some rustling around in the bushes only to discover a rattlesnake!
Needless to say, they have since been fired. Oh, sure the first few times were glorious! They were so good and helpful! Racing from house to house asking homeowners doing yard work if they'd like a 4th of July event flyer. I'd stand back and watch with pride exchanging that knowing look with said homeowner. "Aren't they cute?" is what we both seemed to be thinking. I would often get that "You've got some good helpers here!" comment that sent me into motherly bliss!
Then reality settled in!
"I'M HOT!"
"I'M THIRSTY!"
"I'M TIRED!"
"THIS SUCKS! CAN WE GO HOME AND YOU FINISH?'
"I know it's hot, I know you're thirsty and yes, it SUCKS! But your going to help me finish this up or your not getting a dime!!!! Now get your little butts off the sidewalk and out of the shade and get MOVING!" Psycho mom was now in charge!
However, the straw that broke the camels back was when, as we were out sweating our butts off delivering yet more flyers, my boys started fighting over which house they were going to do. Calling each other moron and idiot! The topper? My 10 year old, my baby, riding his bike out into the street only to realize a car was coming (from a safe distance) causing him enough fear to yell "Oh SHIT!"
Gone! Gone are the glory days of looking on at my offspring working hard for a buck! I stood there in horror! Forget the car! It wasn't even close to him nor did it ever get close to him having turned before getting near him. But I now realized that maybe the ones you love the most and who know you best might NOT be the best representatives for you.
The boys don't work for me anymore and I'm perfectly fine walking my farm alone for a couple quiet hours.
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