morning glory

My mornings of the last few years have been.......colorful.  I have two boys in 5th and 6th grade.  I have a husband (a saint) who works from home.  I have a full house.

Every morning I get up. I make coffee.  I make breakfast.  Usually bagels with cream cheese or peanut butter and honey or eggs and potatoes, and sometimes pancakes or waffles.  I make lunch.  Always a sandwich, some chips, apple slices and some kind of bar. All three of my boys can count on these things.  Me?  I can count on the fact that my boys will fight!  I wake up ready to love, ready to put yesterday in the past, all smiles, and hugs and kisses.  My boys wake up wanting a fight! With me. With their dad.  But most of all with each other!!!!

They usually come downstairs individually.  First it's Nick (our youngest), then William (our 11 year old), then Chris (the biggest most lovable baby ever!).

As soon as the two youngest are within punching/hearing range of each other the blows/insults fly!

"Shut up, IDIOT!"

"You shut up, STUPID!"

"Holy crap! You're so lame!" hahahahahaha "You're such an idiot!"

"nu uh! You are! A-whipe!"

Then there's me: "No cussing boys!" Still trying to maintain my smile as I smile and flit around the kitchen like an ass-hole! La-la-la-la-la hmmmm-hmmm-hmmmm!

"I didn't cuss" says the little one. "I said A not ass!"

"hahahaha" says the eldest.  "Yer such an idiot!"

"BOYS!" my volume is getting louder but I'm still flitting around the kitchen like a goddamn asshole! "llalalalalaallalala! dee dee dum dum dee!"

Next thing I hear is flesh hitting flesh.  No words! Just the raw sound of hand-to-hand-combat!

My husband comes down, "Goooooooood morning boys!  What's going on?"

By the look on my face he can only assume the worst.  I look like I need to go back to bed already! Or maybe I just need a drink!  Not a bad idea......

He pours us both some coffee and tries to engage the kids in a natural, how did you sleep way!  I shoot him a look as if to say, "are you fucking kidding me? Who cares how they slept? They are awake and piss and vinegar runs through their veins!"

We (my husband and I) always try to handle these situations as calmly and diplomatically as possible. But much to my chagrin I always end up yelling (or screaming) which sets my husband off.  Within the time span of an hour we are the epitome of chaos! Chaos! Chaos is my most diabolical nemesis! 

Today was especially entertaining.  My husband and I had a talk the night before.  We know that yelling and arguing with our offspring is useless! Duh! They're 10 and 11!  So our new approach is calm, cool, collectible!

All the bullshit started with me telling William that he could not get online until he was completely ready for school.  He's so concerned with checking Facebook or Youtube!  The rule is he has to be ready to leave for school before he can even THINK about getting on the computer.  Long story short, I said "No" and he did it anyway.  His brother took this as an opportunity to call him names and I said, "Enough!!!!"  William lost the computer for the rest of the day and Nick lost video games for the rest of the day.

The best part......?????

William:  "Nooooooo!  I don't understand!!!!  It's not fair!!!!!!"  "ANYTHING but the computer!!!!!"

I gave him my sweetest smile and said, "You just confirmed that I gave you the BEST punishment ever!"

This is all before 8:30am peeeeeple!  8:30!!!!!

I drink wine almost every night! Don't judge me....

ADDENDUM:

William comes to me while I am helping Nick with homework this evening.  He thinks shoulder massages and sweet little kisses upon my cheek will win my affections.  He's right!  I melt like butter in the desert! 

"Mom?  Do you think I could get computer back?"

I turn my sleepy eyes to focus on his big, blue inquiring eyes.  I love those eyes.  So sweet. So innocent.  So my baby.

"No!"  I practically belt it out.

"No, padawan! Good try, but I'm not Yoda on my looks alone!"